The Blithe

If I could go back and meet all the people who have had a profound impact on my life so far for the first time, I would in a heartbeat. It’s not so much that I want a “do-over” but more I want to do it over exactly the same as before, experience every single second of not knowing I was going to remember that person forever, however brief the interaction. I love that feeling you get when someone has that effect on you, when they create their first everlasting memory with you. It’s such a unique rush, and the only comparison I have ever had for it is that rise and fall feeling you get when you are in the back seat of a car, and it goes over a small hill or bridge, and you feel as though all of your organs float for a minute, that feeling.

Every day, I replay different memories of these interactions in my mind like films, both consciously and subconsciously, each time feeling different about it, but having that same underlying feeling. Wanting to appreciate how grateful I am for these people for the first time feels almost like a hindering nostalgia, like the ultimate rose-tinted glasses. I believe it’s mainly due to me having fewer and fewer of these connections and interactions as of current and instead, forming great memories with the people I keep around me and choose to have in my life, but there still feels a part of that that is missing from my life.

I feel it links back into what I have been talking about so far on this website, the need to feel in control and moving in the right direction again. I think it’s a key sign that you are on the right track when you are making these connections regularly. I see it all the time with friends and the people they meet, always so eager to update me on a new friend or colleague or other connection and tell me all about how it is enriching their life. Don’t get me wrong, the people I have around me enrich my life significantly, and I would not change them for the world, but there is something about constantly finding the same positive impact from new people that creates a more fast-paced, productive environment socially.

If someone told me tomorrow I was never going to feel that feeling again, I think it would break me. I can cope with leaving a lot behind in my faster-paced teen years and early twenties, but to go the rest of my life would be unbearable. I’m sure there are many people at this point thinking it a little naive and silly to be talking so hopelessly about this while being in my twenties, but I am well aware I will find this again; I just miss it right now.

There are a few specific instances that come to mind when I think of this feeling, but one of them stands out more than most. I had recently moved out to go to university, and I had no one around me, a new city, new people. Due to various life and scheduling reasons, I had come on the coach and sent my belongings seperatly. After quite an emotional first night in my tiny room I thought I would go and explore the area, to little success thanks to being emotional and quite terrified, however, upon my leaving of the building I noticed there was a social being hosted that evening for all the new students in the building so I thought I would attend, half for the people half for the free food. After faffing about with my outfit many times and waiting enough time to be “fashionably late”, whatever that means, I eventually came down to see if it was worth it, there was pizza, so I knew it was worth it. After tentatively getting myself a plate, I soon heard a voice asking if I wanted a drink, then, upon turning around, I was greeted by the friendliest face I had seen since arriving. It was like a breath of fresh air, a sudden realisation that things would be okay and I would meet plenty of lovely people; this just happened to be the first. The rest of that evening was a muddle of awkward interactions followed by blissful conversations with this wonderful new friend, but that initial meeting, those first few seconds when my organs felt all floaty, that is a memory clear as day.

I hope to feel that feeling again soon, it is soarly missed.