The Blithe

Since leaving university and setting out to pursue my own interests and passions for a career, I have hit an immediate block, less of a physical and more of a mental block. With the current dominance of social media and fast-paced short-form content, I am consistently bombarded with a stream of people thriving, and it wiggles into all the little dark corners of your brain. I have been trying to stay away from my phone and devices generally when possible and do more real and physical things, but they all circle back to social media. I have entertained the thought of getting a “dumb phone” (a bare bones phone with call and text only) in some form, but have consistently chickened out of the idea due to fear of falling behind or not finding an effective way to utilise it. The impact I have seen this have over time is quite intense, especially when it comes to my passions.

I used to listen to music and perform in the mirror, scrutinising every inch of my face and technique, give myself notes and try every single syllable again and again until it was right. But then, through the time of my education and my training, instead of enhancing my passion, I neglected it and left it behind. I could blame this on several things, but when it boils down to it, it’s my own susceptibility to scroll and compare, because my life and skills aren’t as refined or high level as others my skills feel almost pointless. I have dreamt for a long time about writing my own stories, not in book form, but rather to be performed in various media, and to be able to be a part of telling them too, a dream I share with many. There was a period of great confidence that led me to actively pursue this, but now, after my 3 steps forward, I am almost definitely in my 1 step back stage.

I want to be able to see social media not as a scary place of scrutiny and slander, but one of the most useful tools of our generation and a platform to keep myself going in the performance world while I sort out the other areas of my life, but currently, reaching that point seems complicated. I know I am already behind in so many aspects and could easily start to catch up with this, but just pressing upload or sitting down to record anything seems futile, almost like I am self-perpetuating my own “failure”.

I know the feeling live performance gives, the deep power it holds to create wonderful stories and inspire people in so many ways, weather its just seeing the occasional show for fun, or religiously attending every performance you can to see each and every possible iteration, night after night, I need to be a part of it. It’s like a feeling in the bottom of your gut, and as long as you nurture it, you thrive, but the moment you ignore it, it eats away at you, slowly draining your energy and mind until you feel like you are just slugging through every day. I feel, while I am not in the place I desire to be yet, my head is almost in the right space for it, getting back on track at least.

I would love to assume I am alone in this and that everyone else is absolulety thriving however I know for a fact that this is not true and so few actually get do end up living the exact lives and having the exact careers they desire, I am fortunate enough to be at the age where my best years are way ahead of me and I have so much time to figure out the career and align myself on the right path, but accepting that as a reality is scary, letting go of the worries because life isnt perfect right now and instead looking into what is good and what is beautiful currently and see the rest as paving the way for me to have and achive that future. It sounds so cheesy and silly to say, but even just the process of writing this has flicked some switches in my mind, hopefully for the better. So for now, I will try to maintain the track I am on and where I can push it further in the right direction for the future and for my passion.